Catch me if you can

I'm pretty sure there is a point in every diarist or blogger's life when they feel like they need to apologize to their diary or blog.

 “Dear Diary, Sorry I haven’t written in awhile.”

I'm also pretty sure that writing this sentence always triggers a wave of self-loathing, because THIS was the time that you were going to do the thing and stick to it, but you didn't and you're a failure! And maybe you ate a pint of ice cream to really drive home the point that you're at least good at one thing (loathing yourself), because this is America and if you're going to loathe yourself, you should at try to make yourself obese and diabetic.

But SURPRISE, this homey don’t play dat.

(This homey does, however, miss In Living Color and enjoys pulling nineties catch phrases out of her butt with alarming regularity.)

It's true that I didn't write many blog posts last month, but I can't say that I'm sorry. While this blog lied fallow, I was off leading a double life.

(I'm gonna tell you about my double life, but not until I interject this random aside about my featured image, which is courtesy of my Google search for "lay fallow or lie fallow." DON'T YOU JUDGE ME, you didn't know whether it was lay or lie either. Anyway, I looked up whether it was "lay" or "lie" and was briefly distracted by my Google image search, because it brought up only one picture of a sad field and so many pictures of unconscious deer. WTF, Google?! Why is that?!)

Back to talking about my double life. Like I said, I had one in July. During the week I did highly technical IA work things and spent an alarming amount of time at Kaiser being hooked to machines, talking about being hooked to machines, going over data that came from being hooked to machines, bringing home more machines, and working towards generally BEING a machine. Oh, and blood stuff. And somehow, on the weekends, I somehow also managed to thoroughly celebrate being a dinosaur by channeling being a unicorn/narwhal hybrid (as one is wont to do…)

This makes perfect sense because I’m a reformed narwhal denier, which is kind of like being a flat-Earther, but with more fighting with people in hot tubs over whether narwhals exist, and less involvement with ignorant NBA stars. Because narwhals have been a topic of conversation of late, and because I have a ridiculous position on narwhals, my awesome friends decided to inject my birthday girls weekend with all sorts of narwhal and unicorn them-y-ness.

Fact: Having been accosted by all sorts of Narwhal paraphernalia for a solid weekend, I can say without a doubt that being a narwhal is downright relaxing. 

But, as usual, I digress… I meant to play a bit of catch up, not to sell everyone on being relaxed narwhals...

If I were to do a recap of July with bullets, it’d go like this:

• Went to London. Drank tea. Wore matching Golden Girls shirts with Stefania to Stonehenge.
• Developed proper level of concern over mysterious ailments. Filed a post office change of address form to forward my mail to Kaiser, where I was living.
• Escaped from diabolical magician’s lair
• Got blown away by Team Narwhal’s flawless plans to relax with an intensity that somehow negates the word “relax” while also allowing one to achieve the highest levels of chill.
• Reduced my book intake by half
• Killed an orchid, despite trying very hard not to kill said orchid
• Ignored this blog

It would seem that the kind of celebrating I do now is copacetic with what my body can handle. See some photo evidence here.

It would also seem that I haven’t posted any book updates in awhile. This is a damn shame, because I have a lot to say about several books—even if I did reduce overall intake by halfsies. I’m sure you’re not rolling your eyes *at all* when I state boldly that you’re on the edge of your seat and absolutely dying to read every word of these yet-to-be-written posts. You are totally waiting with baited breath… breath that will be baited until… tomorrow, because I kind of have to log off and do other things that don't involve raving about Lady Sherlock or being generally disappointed in Competence. (I wanted it to be SO good and instead it had an unacceptable amount of waffling over werecats. And, you don't want to get me started on how many times I had to type the word werecat before autocorrect would stop trying to be so goddamned helpful/useless.) 

So catch you then? {insert twenty thousand eye rolls with a whole lot of dramatic holding of breath here} I sure hope so. I missed your face.