My agent is on a roll

David, my sometimes agent, and all-purpose smart-ass, informed me that I’m at my most whimsical when I’m two proseccos deep and have a bizarre animal dropped into a group chat. And damn him if he isn’t right.

Although, if he wanted to be the most right, he could also point out that having bizarre gifts sent to my house by mysterious gifters also results in damn fine posts.

So, in the interest of art, I quickly drained a bottle of prosecco. Because if two glasses are known to produce such works of staggering genius as the three-part series on Quokka Bubble Baths (beginning with Quokka bubbly bath party) and I’ll tell you where to put those crystals…, imagine what could be produced if I were properly prepared.

The answer is this.

First, behold the glory of the peacock spider.

Then, behold the staggering genius and mental image inspired by this text message.

Yes. That is the whole post. I’m too fake drunk to structure a properly ordered list, and I have 11 hours of Fourth Wing to listen to. (READ IT NAO!)

PS. My crystal water bottle committed suicide. That was also an amusing post. Imagine what I could write if someone sent me a new one.

PPS. If you send me a new one, I will still not put it in my lady parts. That’s a promise that I’m willing to make a million times. Instead, you can probably expect me to manifest my greatest self or be hydrated or something.