Dating advice for the modern world
Last night, Sarah was taking a totally academic look at one of those new-fangled dating apps, and she came to me with serious questions about men and their inability to make good profile pic choices. These weren’t rhetorical questions, either. They were backed up by several ridiculous photos with equally ridiculous bios.
Because I haven’t dated for a million years (or maybe even ever?), obviously I’m the perfect person to consult on the topic. And because I have a lot to say on the subject that I think the dating world could learn from—and because it’s Friday, the world appears to be on fire, and we all can use a laugh— I thought I’d do a public service and share the funny/sad.
I give you exhibit B.
I would post exhibit A, but my eyeballs still hurt and 12 hours later I’m still questioning whether I’ll ever fully recover. I’m not willing to inflict that kind of pain on you, dear reader.
I’m going to take a strong stance on Namasté dude and it might surprise you, but hear me out..
When I look at this photo, I see a dude who a) has holiday spirit and b) has a lot of delicious cake. I see through his candlelit facade, deep into his multi-cultural lovin’ core… I also see a foreground dominated by delicious baked goods.
Dude! This guy is peace and joy AND he’s poised to enjoy several pedestal-ed desserts by himself. There is so much to share! You could share those WITH HIM, ladies. (If you’re ready. No rush.)
Are delightful, festive, cake dates on your mental list of positive male attributes, dating public? How about leftover cake for your friends? (YES, PLEASE!)
It’s my duty as a dating coach in training (which I’ve decided that I am, even though nobody I know is actually dating) to point out the things that women swiping indiscriminately might miss. Such as ALL THAT CAKE. (God, I love cake.)
Case in point, Sarah is so blinded by the seance vibe that she’s missing the real gem here.
It’s true. If I had cake (and different chromosomes), future Sarah wouldn’t need dating advice at all. I’d be her perfect match. I’ve had twenty plus years to learn all about how she hates big ugly fish and loves old lady drinks.
I know her.
But since I’m not a dude… and I’m pretty married and heterosexual, I can’t be future Sarah’s perfect match. I’m sorry. The truth is hard. But what I can do is prepare for the deluge of client work that will come my way when I announce my intent to become the valley’s laziest, judgy-est, dating coach.
Effective immediately, I’m aggressively trying to level up my profile pic judgment game by:
Giving helpful, timely feedback on photos sent to me by friends. Help me help you, ladies. Send me your weird profile dating app profile pictures!
Doing the entire male species a favor by educating them on how NOT to court chicks through dating app photos. (See photo below of me calling out the cavalry and learning valuable lessons about the emergency bro system.)
I tried. {shrug}
Anyway, while I’m entirely devoted to this new and exciting career choice that I’ve made, duty calls. I have meetings and junk, so I have to go. I can't figure out great way to close out today’s super important and highly educational post, so how about this? A PSA if you will….
If any of you gross dudes who let it all hang out in your profile pics are reading this, I implore you…. PUT THAT AWAY! It’s not cute. Instead, I implore you to play dirty. Cater to the fairer sex’ appetites. More baked goods and books in your photos, single men. I promise you, with a strategy like that, you can’t go amiss.
